A Truly Curious State of Affairs
by Sponges Fan
Summary: Ichigo thought that, between shinigamificaton, hollowfication, and puberty, he wouldn't have to deal which anymore bodily changes. Then Mayuri's lab exploded, and then... "URAHARA! WHY AM I A GIRL!" happened. Sigh. No pairings, because that's weird...
1. Tsukiko Abarai

Chapter one: the affairs.

Tatsuki leans over the desk and taps Rukia on the shoulder. The girl jumps, closing a manga she was reading quickly.

"Yes, Arisawa-san?" She says, making sure to put her schoolgirl façade on.

"Did 'ja hear? We are supposed to get a new transfer student today…apparently _she_ is a girl."

"Ah, yes! Actually, I know her!"

"Why am I not surprised?"

Rukia continues, seemingly not noticing Tatsuki's comment.

"She is my friend, Abarai-kun's, sister! Which means that she is Kurosaki-kun's cousin also!"(1) Rukia smiles, proud of her acting skills.

"Really?" Tatsuki is curious. "Does she look like Abarai-san? I can't imagine a girl with that red hair…"

"Oh, she looks nothing like Abarai-kun. I've met her, she is quite nice. She actually resembles Kurosaki-kun a bit more then Abarai-kun. She also acts like him…you will probably like her. She is into martial arts, although kenjutsu (2) is more her style." Rukia chuckles at her joke. "Kurosaki-kun said that they used to correspond, but only recently started again!"

"Hmm. Well, I guess we'll meet her. And I guess I'll have to keep Chizuru away from her…" Tatsuki sighs, and Rukia just chuckles yet again. "Oh you won't have to worry about that…I would be more worried about Chizuru."

Tatsuki gives her a disbelieving stare. "Really?"

"Really."

Ichigo curses to himself as he dresses quickly. "Damn those f-in' people, doing this to me…"

He buttons up his shirt, slips on his shoes, grabs his bag, and starts running off, forgoing breakfast in favor of not being-'Late for school, late for school, why the hell didn't they wake me!'

"Class, we have _yet another _new transfer student. She is both the cousin to Kurosaki-kun, and the sister to Abarai-kun, who I am sure you remember." Ochi-sensei smiles. "I'll just go get…her…" She swings her head from side to side, leaning out the door. "Hmmm…she should be here by now…"

The class hears running footsteps from the hall. "Oh, is this her?"

Ichigo pants as he runs. Even though he is quite strong, and has good stamina (stop thinking like that, you perverts) running straight to the school, without breaks, can be quite strenuous on a person. Finally, though, he is running up the stairs…running down the hallways…watching Ochi-sensei duck back into the classroom…

He comes running in, panting, with his back slung over his shoulder. He bows to the class. "Hey. My name is Abarai Tsukiko, pleased to make your acquaintance."

Rukia smiles at Ichigo. She knows that, behind the fake smile, he is twitching. She can see, even from her seat, that Kiego is drooling over him…eew. Of course he does have a reason. As a girl, Ichigo is quite pretty. "His" hair lightened, and is now more the color of his mothers hair. As a male, he was quite slim, and although he has muscles in his new form, they slimmed down somewhat. His face changed a little, rounding out a tiny bit, and his eyes grew. His chest isn't Orihime-sized, but, as Urahara said, "You…are…curvaceous" She can see him fighting not to scowl, and her smile quickly morphs into a smirk.

Ichigo lets the bag slide down his shoulder and arm. He holds it loosely in his hand, letting it hit against his leg. He struggles not to frown, thinking of the speech Yoruichi gave him. She took it to explain to him the basics of being female. He is scared for life. She also taught him how to keep up appearances...literally.

…

Oh, and by the way, having your anatomy almost completely changed, down to your DNA, is quite a painful process. He was minding his own business, but noooooooooooo, Mayuri's lab haddddd to explode right when he was walking by.

Bastard. It doesn't matter that he clamed it wasn't his fault.

Bastard.

Ichigo sighs. "I said HEY!" The chattering class instantly shuts up.

"That's better. Now, I also said my name is Abarai Tsukiko. My brother is Abarai Renjii, and my cousin is Kurosaki Ichigo. I am good friends with Ichigo-kun, so I actually know quite about this class. For example, I know that

'if you insult the Quincy, Ishida-san will try to shoot you with a bow-I'm not saying he will succeed, though

'and if you are Honsho-san (A/N-Chizuru, the lesbian) and try to grope anybody, you will get punished by Tatsuki-san.

'I also know that Mizuriu-san is a womanizer (but is only really into older women),

'Kiego-san is a crazy pervert,

'Chaddo-san is freakishly strong and silent,

'Inoue-san is really nice and surprisingly good at martial arts,

'Tatsuki-san is a good person to have as a friend, and is supposedly the second strongest girl in Japan,

'Ochi-sensei is supposed to be crazy (but not in a bad way!)

and I forgot the rest of what they told me. Oh, and I am already good friends with Rukia-chan, due to the fact that both my brother and cousin are either childhood friends, or nakama with her.

"Now, about myself. I am trained in martial arts, although swordplay is more my style. I have been compared to both my brother and cousin in personality, which kinda creeps me out.

I hate shows like Don Kanonji, I am not a lesbian, and I do not plan on going out with any of you boys. Finally, I am very protective over my friends and family. That's all! Where should I sit?"

Ichigo turns to Ochi-sensei, waiting for guidance. (S)He practiced the details with Rukia before hand. He is also quite proud of the looks on his friend's faces. He knows that his reitsu changed, just like his appearance, but still...

He also has a headache, from the fact that his hollow has been screaming at him…and Zangetsu is gloomy, too…he wishes now that he could go into his inner world by himself, but there are more pressing matters…

Tatsuki smirks to herself. 'I like this girl.'

(1) I think, somewhere, they said that Renjii is Ichigo's "cousin", to explain why they hang out together all the time when Renjii in in the living world. It might have just been a filler arc thing or something, but just go with me here.

(Note) revising this, I have found out since the original posting of this that it was in the Bount Filler Arc.

(2) Kenjutsu- Kenjutsu (剣術), meaning "the art of the sword", is a term for classical Japanese sword arts (or koryū), in particular those which predate the Meiji Restoration. It is sometimes used more generally to describe any martial art which makes use of the Japanese sword. ßWikipedia.

Kendo is a offshoot of Kenjutsu.

I made Ichigo give everyone except Rukia a "-san" honorific. Rukia gets a "-chan". I kinda made it so (S)He called them by what they might be called in a letter from Ichigo to his cousin, you know what I mean? Beside's, he's a girl. He's trying to not attract more attention, no matter how futile his endeavors may be. Also, Ichigo's name is Abarai(He is calling himself Renjii's sister) Tsukiko (moon child).

Come on, Tell me how long I had you fooled for! Come on~…

Mild con-crit, please!


	2. The bizzareness of it all

Chapter 2- The bizarreness of it all.

Ichigo slumps down in his seat as the bell rings for lunch. All he wants to do is sleep. However, he knows his friends are going to mob him right…

"Ku…Abarai-san."

...about now. Ishida looks confused, and Ichigo finds it quite amusing. It is a look not found on the Quincy's face often, and Ichigo is taking advantage. He wonders for a moment, deciding if imitating Rukia's School-Girl, v.2.0 act is worth it, but dismisses it in favor of acting like he did before.

"Sup, Quincy-san?"

Ishida crosses his arms. "Who are you really, and how do you know so much about us." the sun reflects off his glasses, and Ichigo blinks.

"…"

Rukia starts laughing.

Ichigo blinks again as Orihime and Chaddo come up behind Ishida.

"Are you…serious…"

Rukia's chuckling stops long enough for her to get out "Well, they don't know yet, so you have to give it to them, _Tsukiko_."

Ichigo glares at her and gestures at "herself". "Shut it, Rukia-_chan_, I am _not _enjoying this." However, "her" words are contradicted by the twitch of "her" lips when "she" looks up again to see the bemused and confused looks on Ishida, Inoue, and Chaddo's faces.

Ichigo sighs.

"Lets go to the roof. I'll explain there."

When he goes through the door, the first this Ichigo sees is a smiling Kiego. "Hello there Abarai-chan, you're looking beautiful today! And what are you doing in this manly area?"

Ichigo sighs and rolls his eyes. Turning around, he looks at Rukia. "What does Matsumoto do…it's something like…this."

Ichigo grabs Kiego's head and…stuffs it into his chest.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Comes the chorus of voices. However, Ichigo ignores them in favor of counting.

"Fourteen…Fifteen…"

Kiego goes limp.

"Wow. That was quick. I thought he would last at least another five seconds…"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"Ichigo looks over to a confused Rukia.

"Matsumoto does it all the time, an I decided that unless he wants to be decapitated with Zangetsu, it would be better for us all."

He can see comprehension dawning on his un-informed friend's faces. Ishida and Orihime are the only ones, however, to vocalize their realization.

"Kurosaki(-kun)?"

Ichigo smiles a cheesy grin that would not be found on his previous form's face. "Yep, that's me!"

"What..."

Ichigo sighs and walks toward the fence, dragging an unconscious Keigo by the collar. "Okay, so I was walking in Soul Society, when..."

Can anyone tell I am having fun with this? I am making my self laugh *giggle*

I can imagine Ichigo copying Matsumoto, so I put that in…[originally there was a "lols" here, however, the author felt that it was very uncharacteristic of her, and rather hypocritical, seeing as how she just wrote an editorial about how testing is ruining our language]. Next chapter is the background, how he got like this.

Oh, and Amethyst Ichigo? It was the computer that did the **bold/underline**. I think it happens when you do a font like comic sans, or something. Anyway, I was so happy to see that you +favorited me. Update! I love your stories!

...

Oh, does anyone else read fanfiction with the white-on-black setting? I love it, personally.

...

hee hee!

~~~~ =^.,^=


	3. Nifty Little ThirdPerson Flashback

Nifty Little Third-Person Flashback.

_Ichigo shunpoed as quickly as he could. Normally he would avoid using it, but he assumed that this could be filed under a risk to the security of Soul Society._

_It wasn't that he was afraid of fighting the eleventh division, per se. However he was scared for the poor, innocent buildings that would be in the way. Seriously, no sarcasm._

_He quickly skidded to a stop, turning and running into an alleyway as a gang of thugs ran by, yelling._

_Ichigo rolled his eyes. Even if he couldn't sense their reitsu, he was sure that he could avoid all of them just by listening. Well, maybe not Ikkaku or Yumichika, but the lower level ones and Kenpachi make enough of a din._

_He frowned. 'Actually, I…can…sense Ikkaku and Yumichika-san's reitsu…what-'_

_He stopped that thought short, and rolled his eyes again. 'It's probably one of those "best learned under pressure" things that seem so common when it comes to me…'_

_Scowling more then usual, he closed his eyes. 'Ikkaku and Yumichika are together…Kenpachi is on the other side of Seireitei, but I could tell that before…Rukia is near here-maybe I'm near the thirteenth division? (Because of course he got lost, though it was through no fault of his own) I guess Ukitake-san would hide me, at least for a little while…' Ichigo reached a hand out, feeling for the ribbon that he knew belonged to the Captain. "Here I go" He muttered, and jumped to the roof of one of the buildings that formed the alley. Sighing as he thought about the Living World and how he could run on the "air" there, nice and out of sight, he tightened his hand around the spirit ribbon and started to run._

_Little did he know, he was running past the Twelfth Division. As he jumped between two buildings, he could feel a rumbling. A sort of…shaking that he could feel in his bones. For a second he thought that Kenpachi had somehow found him, before realizing that he couldn't feel the blood-thirsty reitsu…_

_He looked around, then blinked and almost feel off the roof as he could feel shinigami shunpoing past him._

"**CODE RED! CODE RED! CODE RED! CODE RED! CODE-"**

_He blinked again as the loud voice blasted around him. "What is code red?" He wondered as he started to turn around. Then he felt the fire…_

_Ichigo felt himself awaken. He opened his eyes._

_He could slightly feel bandages all over his body, and recognized the feeling of anesthetic._

_He blinked._

_His memories started to trickle back as he looked around the room. He recognized the room from the forth division he always stayed in. The room is…the high security section of the Forth Division, where only Kenpachi escaped from…by breaking a wall. Ichigo looked up at the ceiling and snorted. It was the room they always put him in. He rolled his eyes. 'One day I am going to escape from here, just to show them. Hmmm…'_

_His scheming had to end (for the moment, that is) when Urahara entered the room, in all his sandal-hat glory._

_The first thing he noticed was that he looked different. He scowled. "Urahara-san, what happened? Why am I here? Why are YOU here?"_

_Urahara sighed and sat in the chair next to his bed. "Kurosaki-san, I am here to bring you back to the human world when you have recovered enough. You were trapped in an explosion from the Twelfth Division, and, well…"_

"_And?" Ichigo prompted, and his eyes widened. He didn't notice before, but his voice-_

_His hand rose to his throat, and he swallowed. Did the explosion effect his throat? It felt smooth…_

"_Your Soul was effected badly."_

_Ichigo turned his head quickly, wincing at the crick that formed almost instantly. Any time Urahara sounds that grave, it cannot be good._

"_What-"_

_Urahara rushed to reassure him. "It is most likely not permanent, and both me and Mayuri are working towards a cure, but…"_

_He looked uncomfortable, and Ichigo was amazed. He had _never _seen Urahara uncomfortable. If he was in his right mind, he would be complaining, but certain events (and a lot of painkillers) were making him think differently._

"_Until then, what?"_

"_Until then you will have to live with your bodily changes, Kurosaki-_chan."

_Ichigo looks down._

"URAHARA! WHY AM I A GIRL!"

At the end of the story, Ichigo scowls and crosses his arms. He notices Ishida's glance toward "her" *ahem* chest and scowls harder. "I am now STUCK as a girl, I am surrounded by perverts, I am scarred for life because of Yoruichi, I am unusually hormonal, and I am barely controlling myself from punching Ishida's face in."

"Huh?"

Ichigo's face brightens. "On the plus side, I won't have the same random bullies after me, I can kick their asses without getting into as much trouble, I can give more people my puppy dog eyes, and I can get away with way more stuff!" He says cheerfully.

Ishida snorts. "I was not looking at you inappropriately." (Yes you were) "And what are you talking about, puppy-dog eyes?"

Ichigo freezes, then lowers his head. Turning towards Ishida, Orihime, and Chaddo completely, he looks at them.

Big, brown eyes sparkle.

He blinks.

They melt.

Rukia sniffles and _glomps _Ichigo. "You're so kawaii! Ahhh!" she cries.

To his/her credit, Ichigo only steps back slightly. _"Rukia…I can't breath…my wounds…"_

Rukia quickly jumps back, and Ichigo leans over. Gasping for breath, she stands back up.

"When I was caught in the blast I was injured. It's not too bad, but too much pressure will open them, which is another reason I'm stuck in this gigai.

Orihime's eyebrows scrunch up. "What are the other reasons?"

Kiego groans, and everyone looks at him.

"Idiot." Ichigo mutters at the boy, then quickly says "Changes to the soul effect the body also. So my new "form" would transfer over."

*now go to the next chapter, so you can forget the awkwardness of this one!*


	4. I apologize for the inconvenience

**Chapter 4. Epic Holiday.**

**Let's start a riot **

**Nobody's right**

**Nobody's wrong**

**Life's just a game**

**It's just one epic holiday.**

For the rest of the day Ichigo suffered. He had to keep reminding himself too use a _slightly _more formal mode of speech, and he _really_ had to keep reminding himself to act vaguely feminine. Of course, everyone thought he was related to Renjii, and, well, himself. No one really thought of anything anymore.

Cool, they've desensitized his classmates!

"Neh, Tsuki-chan~?"

Ichigo turns to look at Inoue. He had told her to call "him" that, after she stumbled on his name ("Sorry, but all I can think of is Abarai-kun!").

"Aa, yes, Inoue?"

"Do you want to come over to my house later? Kuchiki-san and Ishida-kun and Sado-kun are all coming!"

Ichigo quickly thinks. He isn't scheduled to see Urahara-san till tomorrow, and he can't go home till…well, till tomorrow either. So he's free.

"Eh, sure."

As the group walks home, Chad taps Ichigo on the shoulder. "Ichigo".

"Yeah?"

"Do you know when you're…turning back?"

She looks up at him. "Urahara said he's working on it as fast as he can. But he can't do much until he studies me, which he'll do tomorrow." Ichigo rolls her eyes. "I'm kinda scared, he kept staring at my chest. Stupid pervert." Looking at the rest of the group who, in turn, are staring at him, he cocks his head to the side, confused. "What?"

Ishida looks at him, eye glasses shining. "You seem rather…calm about your…predicament."

Ichigo sighs. "I'm not thinking too deeply about it. I just think of the fact that I', in a gigai…like, being in the body of someone else. I guess it's how Kon feels, sometimes." He grins, and rubs his hands together. "Plus, imagine fighting my dad! He won't stand a chance!"

There is a collective blink among his friends.

It is Chad, again, who speaks. "Where will you be staying?"

Ichigo rolls his eyes and crosses his hands behind his head. "Urahara talked to my dad. Told him it was a spiritual accident."

Everyone stops moving. "What?" Is exclaimed, in varying levels of curiosity and surprise.

"Well," he continues, scratching his neck, then continues walking, his friends following. "Me and my family have been able to see spirits for a while, and Karin suspects me. Urahara came to my house and explained that I was "in a ghostly accident, yes I know about spirits Kurosaki-chan, and I swear that your son is not hurt, Kurosaki-san, but instead he was switched with an alternate dimensional self-what do you mean, Kurosaki-chan, that alternate dimensions don't exist? Oh, I forgot, you are in denial about even ghosts-I am sorry, Kurosaki-chan. We are working very hard to get him back, yes, we have contact with them, yes, yes…" Ichigo stops speaking in his imitation of Urahara.

"And then he called me in, and Yuzu (after she got over her surprise) hugged me so hard, it was so cute…" Ichigo smiles. "I don't think that Urahara actually explained anything, but they accepted it surprisingly easy."

"That seems too…convenient" Ishida says, looking at Ichigo, who nods in agreement. "Yeah. Oh well, I'm not complaining. I mean, would you rather stay at my house, or Urahara's?"

"Point taken."

Everyone else agrees.

"Speaking of your house, are you staying there?"

"I have to wait till tomorrow. I was actually wondering if I could stay at one of…your…houses…"

He looks around, eyes wide. The responses are varied. Rukia chuckles again, and Ichigo is wishing that she didn't find his problem as funny as she does. Ishida and Chad balk, and Ichigo rolls his eyes (gosh he seems to be doing that a lot lately). Orihime's response, however, is the funniest…yes, let's go with amusing: she clasped her hands together and jumped once, then-

"Oh, you can stay at my house, and we can bake cookies and paint each others nails and watch scary movies and it'll be fun-"

"Orihime?"

"Uh?"

Ichigo looks at her. "In my mind, I'm a boy."

He blinks.

"Cookies and movies would be fun, but I draw the line at nail painting."

And this sentence is so shocking, that when Ichigo turns around and asks him again, Chad accepts.

[Just a reminder. There will be NO romance, however, I may put some awkwardness, just for the halibut.]

[Heh, halibut.]

[And I've just typed awkwardness twice recently-I just put a little AN in the bottom of the last chapter.]


	5. Perspective

Chapter Five.

I love Jim Parsons. Because of that, you get a chapter.

( ~3 )

Ichigo looks around Chad's apartment. "Chad?"

"Hmmm?"

"What's with the pet food?"

"…There are strays."

Ichigo nods, knowing his friend's slight obsession with cute things. Opening the refrigerator, however, he is confronted with a disturbing fact.

"…Where's the human food?"

He sighs as Chad stays silent.

_Meanwhile…_

"So, Urahara, what happened to Ichigo?"

Urahara settles his hat over his eyes and stares at Ishida. Ishida stamps down a shudder /_creeper_/and stares back, not feeling comforted by being backed by a Rukia who giggles every thirty seconds or so, and an Orihime who isn't speaking.

"The story he told you is what actually happened."

"He is acting…strange, for lack of a better word, though. He isn't acting like himself, he is completely out of character. He shoved Asano's head into his chest, for goodness sakes!"

"Hmm, really? That's interesting. Anyway, he's in a completely new body. I think he's just taking advantage of it. Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be back to normal when he changes back."

"Speaking of that, Urahara," Rukia finally speaks, "why did we find you here, sleeping, instead of, I don't know, working on a way to change Ichigo back!"

"Because I do all my best work sleeping!"

He winces as a certain black cat removes its claws from his thigh.

"I wonder what Onii-chan is doing now?" Yuzu muses as she does some cooking magic on the stove. Karin, relaxing at the kitchen table, puts down a glass of milk and yawns slightly.

"I don't know…I don't really trust that weird guy's story, but Ehh…" She shrugs, and Yuzu turns around briefly.

"I just realized something, Karin-chan!"

"What?"

"I can't call Ichigo 'Brother'!"

Karin blinks. "I just realized something- if we go with what weird guy said, that Ichi-nii is a girl in this other universe, does that mean everyone is opposite?"

After a brief pause, both girls shudder.


End file.
